Big Feelings, Little Bodies: Understanding Tantrums

Tantrums are not a sign that you're failing. In fact, they are often evidence that children are learning some of life's hardest lessons.

In fact, they are often evidence that children are learning some of life's hardest lessons

Tantrums are one of the most common ways young children communicate before they have the words or skills to express how they're feeling. In our previous blog, ‘What your child is trying to tell you, understanding behaviour is Communication’, we explored why behaviour often reflects an underlying need rather than intentional misbehaviour.

Here, we're taking a closer look at one specific behaviour that many families experience, tantrums.

Tantrums Aren't Bad Behaviour, They're Big Feelings

"I can't believe they're having a tantrum over the wrong coloured cup!"

"He was fine one minute, then completely melted down the next."

"Why does she fall apart over something so small?"

If you've ever found yourself asking these questions, you're certainly not alone.

Tantrums can be exhausting, confusing and emotionally draining for everyone involved. But despite how challenging they can feel in the moment, tantrums are actually a normal and important part of child development.

From an Occupational Therapy perspective, we don't see tantrums as children being "naughty" or "manipulative."

We see them as communication.

They're often a child's way of saying,

"My emotions are bigger than my ability to manage them right now."

Tantrums Are Part of Growing Up

Young children experience emotions just as intensely as adults.

The difference?

Their brains are still developing the skills needed to:

• regulate emotions

• manage frustration

• cope with disappointment

• solve problems

• wait

• negotiate

• communicate their needs

The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, planning and self-regulation, continues developing well into early adulthood. During the early childhood years, children rely heavily on trusted adults to help them navigate overwhelming emotions.

Tantrums are more common in toddlers and preschool-aged children because they are still learning to understand and manage big emotions. Their language, emotional regulation and problem-solving skills are still developing, making it difficult to cope with disappointment and frustration independently.

Behaviour Is Communication

Imagine your child saying:

"I'm disappointed."

"This isn't what I expected."

"I'm overwhelmed."

"I'm tired."

"I don't know how to calm my body."

Unfortunately, most young children don't yet have the words - or the brain development to express these feelings.

Instead...

They cry.

They scream.

They throw themselves on the floor.

They refuse.

They yell.

Their behaviour becomes their communication.

When we begin looking beneath the behaviour rather than simply reacting to it, everything changes.

Sometimes It Isn't About the Toy at All

As parents, we've all experienced the "wrong coloured bowl" or "banana snapped in half" meltdown.

To adults, these situations seem insignificant.

To a young child, however, that moment may simply be the final drop in an already overflowing bucket.

Perhaps they are:

• exhausted after childcare

• overwhelmed by noise

• hungry

• unwell

• struggling with transitions

• frustrated because they cannot express themselves

• coping with sensory overload

The bowl wasn't the problem.

It was simply the tipping point.

Occupational Therapists often describe this as looking beyond the behaviour to understand the interaction between the child, their environment and the demands being placed upon them.

Tantrums Tell Us Where Skills Are Still Developing

One of the most helpful ways to view tantrums is as information.

Rather than asking, "How do I stop this?"

try asking, "What skill is my child still learning?"

Perhaps they're learning how to:

• wait

• share

• tolerate disappointment

• cope with unexpected changes

• communicate their needs

• manage frustration

• regulate emotions

• transition between activities

Tantrums occur when children's emotions temporarily outpace their developmental skills. Rather than viewing tantrums as something to eliminate, they can be understood as valuable indicators of where children still need support and guidance.

In other words...

Tantrums don't necessarily tell us something is wrong.

They often tell us what children are still learning.

Co-Regulation Comes Before Self-Regulation

One of the biggest myths is expecting young children to "calm themselves down."

Self-regulation isn't something children simply decide to do.

It's a skill that develops over many years.

Before children can regulate themselves, they first need co-regulation.

Co-regulation means a calm, trusted adult helping a child move through overwhelming emotions.

This might look like:

• sitting quietly beside them

• using a calm voice

• acknowledging their feelings

• offering physical comfort (if welcomed)

• helping them breathe

• staying emotionally available

Research consistently shows that children learn emotional regulation through repeated experiences of caring adults helping them navigate difficult moments.

Children borrow our calm before they can find their own.

Five Tips for Supporting Tantrums

1. Pause Before You React

When your child is dysregulated, it's easy to become dysregulated too.

Take a slow breath.

Ground yourself.

Your nervous system has a powerful influence on theirs.

A calm adult helps create a calm child.

2. Connect Before You Correct

Instead of immediately explaining why they can't have something, start with empathy.

Try:

"You're really disappointed."

"That wasn't what you were hoping for."

"I can see this feels really hard."

Feeling understood helps children feel safe.

Only once they are calm are they ready to hear explanations or solve problems.

3. Remember That Tantrums Are Developmentally Normal

Children aren't giving us a hard time.

They're having a hard time.

Just as we wouldn't expect a toddler to read before they are ready, we can't expect them to consistently regulate emotions they haven't yet learnt to manage.

4. Look for Patterns

Do tantrums happen:

• before dinner?

• after school?

• during transitions?

• in noisy environments?

• during shopping trips?

Understanding the patterns helps identify whether fatigue, hunger, sensory overload or other factors may be contributing.

This allows us to prevent some tantrums before they occur.

5. Teach Skills When Everyone Is Calm

The middle of a tantrum isn't the time for lessons.

Wait until everyone is calm before talking about:

• problem solving

• alternative choices

• coping strategies

• emotions

• practicing new skills

Children learn best when their brains feel safe.

You Don't Need to Eliminate Every Tantrum

Perhaps the most reassuring thing parents can hear is this:

Tantrums are not a sign that you're failing.

In fact, they are often evidence that children are learning some of life's hardest lessons:

• accepting "no"

• waiting

• sharing

• coping with disappointment

• expressing emotions

• developing resilience

Our role isn't to stop every tantrum.

Our role is to help children move through them safely while building the skills they'll need for the future.

Because today's child learning to cope with disappointment becomes tomorrow's child who can navigate friendships, school, challenges and life's inevitable setbacks with confidence.

When Should You Seek Support?

While tantrums are a normal part of development, it may be helpful to seek advice from an Occupational Therapist or other allied health professional if your child's tantrums:

• are frequent, prolonged or very intense

• regularly result in harm to themselves or others

• significantly affect family life

• occur alongside sensory sensitivities or communication challenges

• make it difficult for your child to participate at home, school or in the community.

An Occupational Therapist can help identify the underlying factors contributing to your child's emotional responses and develop practical, individualised strategies to support emotional regulation, participation and family wellbeing.