Boys Have Big Feelings Too: Supporting the Emotional Development of Our Boys
Boys Have Big Feelings Too: Supporting the Emotional Development of Our Boys
Boys can be loud.
They can be busy.
They can wrestle, jump, crash, compete, run, climb and somehow turn a quiet afternoon into a full-contact sport.
Of course, not every boy is like this. Some boys are quieter, more cautious or prefer books, drawing, gaming or talking. There is no one way to be a boy.
But sometimes, amongst what we affectionately call “boy energy”, we can miss something really important.
Boys have big emotional worlds too.
They feel sadness, fear, embarrassment, disappointment, anxiety, jealousy, loneliness, tenderness, excitement, love and vulnerability.
And they need to know that every one of those feelings belongs to them.
Boys are allowed to feel all of it
For generations, boys have received messages about which emotions are acceptable.
Be tough.
Don't cry.
Shake it off.
Man up.
Sometimes these messages are obvious. Other times they're incredibly subtle.
We might comfort a little girl who is crying, but quickly encourage a little boy to “brush it off”. We might describe one child as sensitive while describing another as tough.
Over time, boys notice.
Psychologists highlight the role that gender stereotypes and socialisation can play in shaping how boys learn to express emotions.
Importantly, emotional openness isn't the opposite of resilience. Supporting boys to recognise, express and manage emotions is part of building resilience.
There is a common pressure boys can experience to appear tough and hide vulnerability.
This reminds us that boys don't somehow experience fewer emotions simply because they might express them differently.
Our boys don't need smaller emotional worlds.
They need more ways to understand and communicate what's happening inside them.
Sometimes feelings look like behaviour
This is something we talk about a lot as Occupational Therapists and Psychologists.
A child isn't always going to walk into the kitchen and say:
“Mum, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed about the social expectations at school today and I'm experiencing some anxiety about tomorrow.”
Wouldn't that be handy?
Instead, we might see:
"I'M NOT GOING!”
A slammed door.
A fight with a sibling.
A child hiding under a blanket.
Tears over something seemingly tiny.
Running around the house.
Refusing to talk.
Or an enormous explosion because someone gave them the wrong coloured cup.
We encourage adults to consider behaviour as communication. Children don't always have the understanding or language to explain what's happening internally, so their behaviour can become one way of communicating their feelings and needs.
However, that doesn't mean every behaviour is acceptable.
All feelings are okay. Not all behaviours are okay.
We can hold both things at once:
“It's okay to be really angry. It's not okay to hurt someone.”
The OT lens: sometimes emotions need somewhere to go
Emotions aren't experienced only in our thoughts.
We experience them in our bodies too.
A racing heart. Tight muscles. Butterflies in our tummy. Hot cheeks. Fast breathing. Restlessness. A feeling that we just need to move.
For some children, movement can be an important part of regulation.
It’s important to recognise the role movement can play for many boys, rather than interpreting every wriggle, crash or need to move as deliberate misbehaviour.
From an OT perspective, instead of only asking:
“How do we get him to calm down?”
We might also wonder:
“What is his body telling us it needs right now?”
Maybe that's running outside.
Jumping on the trampoline.
Kicking a footy.
Having some quiet time.
Heavy work.
Music.
Drawing.
Building LEGO.
Sitting beside someone without talking.
Or simply having space.
Regulation doesn't look the same for every child.
And importantly, movement isn't avoiding emotions. Sometimes helping the body regulate first creates the space a child needs to understand and talk about what happened afterwards.
The psychology lens: give boys the words
Emotional literacy develops over time.
Children learn to recognise emotions, notice what they feel like in their bodies and eventually develop strategies for responding to them. Recognising and naming emotions lays important foundations for children learning to manage them.
So rather than always asking:
“What's wrong?”
we can gently help children become curious about their experience.
“Your fists are really tight. I wonder if you're feeling frustrated?”
“You went very quiet when that happened. I wonder if you felt embarrassed?”
“Sometimes when people are worried they get a funny feeling in their tummy. Do you notice anything in your body?”
We aren't telling them how they feel.
We're giving them possibilities and helping them build a vocabulary for something they may not yet have words for.
And this isn't something boys need to learn only from mums, female teachers or therapists.
Boys benefit from seeing the men around them experience and express a full range of emotions too. Emerging Minds specifically highlights the value of male role models demonstrating emotional openness.
A dad saying:
“I was pretty nervous before that meeting today.”
A coach saying:
“I was disappointed we lost too.”
A grandfather saying:
“I really miss my friend.”
These little moments matter.
They show boys that being a man and having feelings were never mutually exclusive.
Connection before correction
When emotions are enormous, it usually isn't the best time for a lecture.
When a child's system is overwhelmed, they might not yet be ready to explain what happened, consider someone else's perspective or come up with a better choice.
Sometimes our first job is simply to help them feel safe enough to regulate.
Connect first. Teach later.
Then, when things are calmer, we can come back to what happened.
What did you notice in your body?
What feeling do you think was underneath that?
What could we try next time?
Do we need to repair anything with someone else?
The aim is to help children calm before working through strong emotions and behaviour.
We don't need boys to be less “boy”
Supporting emotional development isn't about asking energetic boys to sit still and talk about their feelings all day.
It's not about removing rough-and-tumble play, competition, adventure or the wonderfully chaotic energy some children bring into our lives.
And it's certainly not about assuming every boy should behave in those ways either.
It's about widening the possibilities.
A boy can be strong and sensitive.
Competitive and compassionate.
Adventurous and anxious.
Independent and still need comfort.
Confident and cry.
He can kick a footy, wrestle his brother, cuddle his dad, tell his friend he loves him and cry when his dog dies.
None of those things makes him any more or less of a boy.
Raising boys who know themselves
When we give boys permission to experience their whole emotional world, we're not making them softer or less resilient.
We're helping them develop the skills to recognise when they're struggling, communicate what they need, manage strong emotions, connect with other people and seek support when they need it.
Understanding and managing emotions supports children's wellbeing, relationships, learning and growing independence.
So let's celebrate the running.
The jumping.
The wrestling.
The noise.
The quiet ones too.
And amongst all of it, let's keep making space for the feelings underneath.
Because our boys are allowed to be brave.
They're allowed to be angry.
They're allowed to be worried.
They're allowed to be gentle.
They're allowed to be disappointed.
And they're absolutely allowed to cry.
Our job isn't to decide which emotions boys are allowed to have.
It's to help them know that whatever shows up, there are safe people beside them who can help them understand it.
From our Occupational Therapy and Psychology teams at Flying Start Children's Therapy.
Comments